The prime minister pressed a button under his desk. Turn on Michael Ellis! The paymaster entered the Commons: Labour, fired up, the Tory benches practically empty but for a few whips and a few loaded guns, a rare occasion when it was the traitors who would form the firing squad. The Prime Minister believes in “natural justice”, Ellis said: don’t judge him or Pinchy before the facts are known and our independent systems are allowed to do their job. “But,” said fellow Tory William Rugg, “these systems are irrelevant if participants are not aware of them.” Dr Caroline Johnson asked if the allegations made in 2019 “were sexual assault and if they were” why Pincher “wasn’t fired at the time, let alone given another job?” Labor should not be “sanctimonious”, Ellis said, and he was right. Sir Keir had drunk beergate. the SNP were absent because they had a sex-parasite scandal of their own. However, we should be concerned that our Prime Minister is employing a man purely to tell the Commons that his boss is not a liar, although not as much as it should be about Ellis, given that it is his job. “What did Ellis do in a past life to deserve this?” asked a reporter. The answer is that he was a lawyer and they deserve what they got. But that was the saddest part of the day, for Ellis looked like one of those great officers who goes down with the ship, saluting until he was gone. He was a good and faithful servant, just to the wrong man. One last lifeline: the prime minister would make a clip. Voters love a clip. Appearing on six o’clock television, he said he was sorry – why not just tattoo the word on his forehead? – and added that “there is no place in this government for any predator”, which, when you think about it, sets a low bar for public life. Guys: don’t be a predator and you, too, could one day become chancellor. Because suddenly the position was vacant. And Boris turned to see a lifeboat pulling away from the ship – Sunak and Javid at the oars, others following.
