Maybe the opposition thought that “MP pampers voters” is less of a scandal, more of a job description – or maybe they didn’t want to sully a speech in Ukraine with gossip. But it is amazing that in an institution of 650 members, many of them willing to expel their mother for publicity, none of them brought up old Pinchy. Then again, I can’t think of a single MP in the House who has called for Ukraine and Russia to negotiate – and with Keir Starmer suddenly backing Brexit, the debate seems dead. Well, unleash the coils of war! “I’m really interested in the size of our army,” said the venerable Barry Sheerman, who complained that, like Toblerones, it’s getting smaller every year. He reminded the House that his father had fought in the war, although it was not clear whether it was the Boer or the Crimean. Congressmen love the chance to sound like Kissinger. “In the space of seven days,” the prime minister said, “I worked alongside more than 80 governments” to “ensure that Ukraine prevails.” He was happy to “smooth the path” for Sweden and Finland to NATO, and to work with that beacon of Western defense, Estonia, “to create their own divisional headquarters”, which will have the best damn copier and will drop this money I can buy. Sir Keir welcomed his speech. Mr Johnson overstayed his welcome, although he still had a rant about Labor Frontbenchers who want to scrap our nukes (bet Starmer would like Pincher to fall after all). You can think of this as healthy bipartisanship, you can see it as the Prime Minister wrapping himself in the flag to deflect attacks, but patriotism is “in” at the moment. Ed Davey asked how Boris could lead the world when he cuts military personnel and “raises unfair taxes”, which positions the Lib Dems as the party of guns and butter: populist but not too liberal and, as noted Tory Mark Harper, gracefully expensive. Surely, said John Redwood, we should “invest in more oil and gas production” in Britain? “Yes,” said the prime minister, reversing his entire energy policy in one word. “We need to be less nervous about the use of our domestic hydrocarbons.” Ha! He didn’t say that to Greta Thunberg on Cop26. Boris assured Parliament that we can cover our defense costs with “sustainable and stable growth”. Okay. But if we’re going to rebuild our military, and if Ukraine is going to do all the fighting, then what are we actually going to do with this brand new military? Perhaps it could be deployed in Pall Mall clubs to protect members from unilateral incursions by drunk MPs. “He Who Dares” is carried on the road by a marine – and thrown into a puddle.
